Why Did I Get Married?

By Syreeta L. McNeal, CPA, JD

As a lawyer who has represented men and women in divorce cases, I can tell you that when it comes to matters of the heart, people reflect and ask “Why did I get married?” I am little disappointed in the recent email posting by my dear friend, Dr. Boyce Watkins when he asks “Should Athletes Get Married?” I know that with the recent episodes of Shaquille O’Neal, Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan and the like, this is a nice barbershop question to pose to the urban community.

But, I feel Boyce is missing the true issue as it relates to marriage especially when he stereotypes athletes with this type of question. With the recent public infidelities of Former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, President Bill Clinton, and Former Democratic Presidential Candidate John Edwards, you can pose the question “Should Politicians Get Married?” With pastors and men of the cloth who get caught cheating, you can ask “Should Religious Leaders Get Married?” The stereotypical questions can go on and on for all types of men, but they miss the heart of the issue.

Marriage is the foundation for the family unit. Everyone remembers the story of the three little pigs and the big bad wolf. The first pig who built his house with straw had his house destroyed by the wolf because it could not withstand the wolf’s strong blow. The second pig who built his house with sticks also had his house destroyed because it could not withstand the wolf’s strong blow. The third pig who built his house with bricks was able to withstand the wolf’s strong blow.

Like the three little pigs’ parable, a person’s marriage needs to be as strong as the third pig’s house made of bricks. The big bad wolf represents temptation of all kinds that are meant to destroy your marriage. To withstand this temptation, you must have a strong foundation in your marriage. In my opinion, each individual (male or female) should discover the real reason why their potential spouse is getting married before they tie the knot. After they discover that reason, they need to see if the real reason matches their real reason for getting married. If both parties have similar real reasons for getting married, then they have a foundation that can withstand the temptation that will come to destroy their marriage. If both parties do not share similar real reasons for getting married, then the marriage will not last when temptation comes in to destroy it.

If I were counseling Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren, the first thing I would ask or discover is what are each other’s real expectations in the marriage as it relates to love, fidelity, raising children, etc…. If each person has a different expectation for each other in the marriage for these categories, then the marriage will crumble or implode.

If you take some of the various reports as true, it appears in my humble opinion that Tiger Woods expected his wife to be a “typical trophy wife.” The image Tiger had for his wife was to appear as a good and dutiful wife in public, but allow him to roam around and mess with all types of women because he believes she is only with him for the money and he has plenty of that. I have spoken to a variety of black people who think a woman should just accept the money and accept their husband’s infidelity especially if the husband is filthy rich. I was a little shocked to hear that especially when I posed the same question to their current relationship. The same people gave the direct opposite advice and said they would do the exact same thing that Elin Nordegren did if they caught their husband’s cheating.

However, I think Tiger did not do his homework on what his wife expected from him in this relationship. Elin Nordegren came from money. She was a nanny for rich and wealthy golfers. Her mother is County Governor Barbro Holmberg of Sweden. It appears in my humble opinion, that Elin Nordegren took her vows of fidelity and love very seriously with Tiger and thought that he would cherish her, be faithful to her, and love her unconditionally and she would reciprocate that same adoration to him. So, when she discovers that Tiger has had 10+ affairs with a variety of women over a long period of time, it hurt her to the core because I honestly believe she loved him and expected more from him. She reacted like many jilted lovers do when they feel betrayed. With reports of Tiger trying to give her more money in the prenuptial agreement to stay with him, the extra money really does not matter to her right now. She is hurt, scorned and feels betrayed because the vow of fidelity she held dear to her heart for her husband is now broken. No amount of money can heal that wound at this time.

In my humble opinion, the best thing for both Tiger and Elin to do is to SEPARATE for a while. Reassess the real reasons why they are married and see if they can reconcile those differences and make their union stronger. If they can’t, let this be a lesson to each person from this day forth, you better find out from your potential spouse before you tie the knot the real reason he or she is getting married and see if it mirrors the real reason why you are getting married so that you can create a foundation that will withstand any temptation that may come your way to destroy your marriage.

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